Fred and Wilma (A Love Story)

As I lie here in this big azz cave,

I'm wondering, hmmm, should I really behave?

Wilma keeps telling me to, “go to sleep”,

I reply, my love for you just won't keep.

She glares at me and says, “Fred, you always want to bump and grind”,

Should I tell you, wait a minute, I don't need to remind.

We both know the way to heaven,

Is being able to count to seven.

We also know, at the same time, once every year,

There's a new edition to our family, yelling in our ear.

Yes, after 9 months, we get a “gruesome twosome”,

A boy and a girl, added to this world.

Wilma, you know, “my love for you, will never die”,

Yes Fred, but you never watch the kids, just let them cry.

C'mon wife, every time the kids hear my foot drop,

All the yelling, mischief and bullshit immediately stops.

Fred, you are seldom here at home,

Always out traveling this planet, you're continually on the roam.

Damn straight, “I need to go hunt for our grub”,

After I get home, at nite, I want a hug.

Okay Tarzan, if you want me to be Jane,

Next time you're out, bring me back a big cane.

These boys of ours have a very hard head,

You haven't invented firearms yet, or for sure, “they'd be dead”.

Wilma, you know damn well, you're not gonna do anything,

Except singing that same old song, but, you can't really sing.

The kids don't say anything, because, they don't have a choice,

Our Father, who art in heaven gave you a lot, but definitely not a pretty voice.

But, I will forever love you until the day we both die,

Because even though a terrible singer, you always try.

Wilma, you will always get an A+ for effort to your last day,

Although your singing gives me headaches, I just say, “hey”.

Before I leave tomorrow to go about my daily roam,

I'll get the oldest, and tell them, to be cool at home.

I'll just tell them once, and make it perfectly clear,

Because, I'm tired of you always nagging in my ear.

Don't worry, they'll get the message and from now on, everything will be fine,

Gonna tell them, if you don't want to go to sleep with the fishes, walk a straight line.

All of a sudden, Wilma wants to make passionate love,

Tells me, “Fred, you're my forever turtle dove”.

So to all you peeps out there, remember, there's always a choice,

For me, I never, ever have to raise my voice.

Dad, my Father who's in heaven, better known as God,

Calls me many names, one which is His one and only lightning rod.

My primary mission, here on this place called Earth,

Has been exactly the same, since my birth.

I'm a fisherman and gonna catch a lot of souls,

Heaven or Hell, your choice, but it's best to be whole.

Give all the glory to Dad, better known as God,

I'm coming for you all, I'm His Lightning Rod.

Alvin Mann

Revelations

Dad, what's up?

Chicken butt.

So dad, how are you going to glorify our Father today?

Play His Game, His Way. Every Day, Every Way.

Dad?

Yes, Lil Espionage Agent for our Father?

You really going to walk a straight line from now on?

Put it this way…

Dad, stop. I've done heard enough. Father says you did good tonight, however, you need to step up your game.

O-Kee-Dokey Smokey!

So, what you got planned for today?

Hmmm, I'll think of something.

Father says that circle better not get any bigger.

10-4 good buddy!

So you and Father have a good talk last night?

He had a good talk, all I did was listen.

Why's that dad?

Because, Big Head Kahuna wasn't interested in anything I had to say.

Oh really?

Rose, you know damn well, Dad was not in the mood last nite and He told me from the get-go.

So, what did He say?

Well, He said, “I'm going to talk, you going to listen. Understand”? I shook my head up and down in the affirmative. Then, He said what He had to say.

So how long He talk to you?

Six and a half hours.

Did you learn anything?

Nothing I didn't already know. Dad just like playing games with me and never want me to sleep.

You really think Father doing this because He likes it?

Actually, I know for a fact Dad will forever be on my azz for one thing or another. So, I'm just trying to keep a cool head, because I know He up to something.

What makes you say that?

He told me.

Exactly, what did Father say dad?

He told me one day He's going to come like a thief in the night and I better be ready.

So dad, what you think He meant by that?

Don't know. Don't care. Big Head Kahuna always playing these games with me. All…the…time.

So dad, it's probably a good idea to step up your game, cause Father about to declare war.

Bullshit! Dad already on the warpath and was just giving me a heads up.

Think so?

Damn straight. Dad done been down this path with me many times. Watch, He gonna drop all type of shit in my lap and then “Poof”, He gonna be gone. And I already know, I'm gonna have to bounce A.S.A.P.

Think so?

Rose, you know damn well, The Grand Poobah not talking to me for His health.

Actually dad, He's talking to you for your health.

Think so?

When He got back, first thing He told me, was to tell you, “LOVE HURTS”.

So, He tell you put all caps and exclamation points?

Actually, He specifically told me to do that.

Hmmm, so what…

Dad, let's not go there. Step up your game and everything will be hunky dory.

Well, you know…

Yes dad, I know and I need to tell you, Father is going to always cut you a lot of slack, but now is not the time.

Hmmm, I think you need to put in a special order today. I want 18 dozen of them angel pillows, cause if I have to get one sleepless nite, after I get up there, because of some uncomfortable pillows, believe me, “it's not gonna be a pretty sight”.

So Father's really enjoying your performance tonight.

Well, my sole purpose for existing is for His Majesty's enjoyment.

He said, as long as you remember that, you get to keep all your body parts…maybe.

Rose, He…

Yes dad, He really said that.

Hmmm, guess I better step up my game, walk a straight line (as much as I can, no guarantees) and tell good jokes.

Father says, if you don't, you just might get wet.

I can't swim.

He's aware of that, but He said it won't matter.

I'll be dead before I hit the water.

Correctomundo!

Hmmm, so Dad feeling okay, or them soft, fluffy, pillowy angels He be sleeping on, not what they all cracked up to be?

Father says, He's thinking about making a reservation for you at Luigi's.

Tell Dad, I'm going to do a lot better from this second forward, however, every now and then, I'm going to take a time out.

He said, “DON'T GET LOST”.

Tell Him, Mucho Gracias Padre!

So dad?

Speak freak!

You really gonna do better from now on?

Damn straight. Big Head Kahuna think I'm gonna fall for this. He can't wait for me to slip up, then He gonna be all on my azz. Not gonna give Him the pleasure. Oh, we all know, I'm gonna step outside that little azz circle He got me in…

Often.

Yes, quite often. But, I'm not gonna go too far and never gonna get lost.

He put an internal clock inside you dad.

Yes, He told me it was your idea.

And?

Thanks Lil Alvin.

You're Welcome Dad.

So Father says, He's going to let you do some paintings pretty soon.

Actually, He said maybe.

He also said, “if you step up your game and walk a straight line”.

Yes, I do remember Him saying that.

Good, because Father not in the mood for your shenanigans.

Bullshit! Dad always in the mood for anything I do. He loves my performances.

He does, just don't get carried away.

If I get carried away, it's because I'm programmed that way. So blame it on that IT Specialist in the sky.

Father says, make sure your will is up to date.

No shit?

Ask Him.

Thanks, but no thanks. Sourpuss just wants me to call on Him, so He can talk my ear off…again.

So what you think Father was talking about with Fred and Wilma?

Don't know. Don't care. But when the time comes, He gonna drop all type of shit on me, all at once. Watch.

So you signed it, but those are Father's words, correct?

He told me Fred.

What else?

That's it, just Fred!

How you get all of that out of one name?

I been working with that Dude for too long. If I don't put on a good performance, aint no telling what He gonna do. He all the time telling me to put on an Academy Award performance all the time.

He just trying to keep you out of trouble dad.

Bullshit! I'm the only one He does it to.

You did go work for the enemy dad.

“I CAME BACK”.

Actually, Father set you up, but allowed you to come back.

What's your point?

You really want His job, don't you?

Is water wet? Is the earth round? Is the sun hot? Does shit stink?

Dad?

What?

“IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN”.

Aaahhhh! For one damn day!

Dad?

What?

Why are you like this?

Because, I love bullshiting and Big Head Kahuna, always playing with me. So, I needs to put on a good show for Him all the time. I been working with that Dude a long time and I need to always be on my P's and Q's with Him. Because, The Big Kahuna, He giveth and He taketh away in a millisecond. I need to keep sharp and not get too far outside that circle.

Father says, you deserve a break, so He going to cut you a little slack. But, you better not get lost.

About damn time.

He's going to be sending some Benjamins your way pretty soon and He says, don't get carried away.

Tell Him, “Mucho Gracias Padre”.

Getting ready to bounce dad.

See you soon, Lil Alvin.

Later Crocodile Dad-E.

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

So, what is the moral of this story? (Damn good question.) Only thing I come up with is our Father is for real and He doesn't take any prisoners. You either are for Him or against Him. If you are for Him, it's all good in your neighborhood. Otherwise, you will find yourself in a world of pain. Because, “Love Hurts”, and I have experienced our Father's love repeatedly. He only does it for our own good. So if you want to get to heaven, you better learn how to count to seven.