Merry Christmas 2023
Merry Christmas Crocodile Dad-E!
Rose, glad to see you this glorious day as we celebrate the one who died for our sins, carried the cross for us, and was persecuted for what? For being “the perfect example”, which all of us should abide by, each and every day, as long as we live. Praise his name and to our Father in heaven, who taught me how to count to seven.
So, I take it Father didn’t fill your bucket list again, this year.
And why my lovely daughter, who was sent from above with all His love, to grace my humble abode with your presence, would you inquire?
Dad, Father said cut the act, being God for a day, “IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN”. As far as that bag full of money, you always asking for, get on the ball with your painting and all kinds of doors will open up for you. That came from Father.
Rose, I know where it came from. That dude “Sha-Zammed” this entire galaxy, universe and solar system in a fraction of a millisecond, and He can’t hook up a brother, His only begotten knucklehead son, with a bag full of money? Now I ask you, “what kind of selfish shit is that?”
(Silence!)
So Rose, I see our Father has you punked doesn’t He?
Dad, why do you always have to be like this? Can’t you for once, be serious?
And why in the hell, would I want to do that? There’s no fun in it. All work and no play makes Al, much too boring. Got’s to keep everyone on their toes, especially that Big Head guy upstairs. I was preprogrammed to entertain “The Benevolent One” and He has repeatedly reminded me, I need to put on an Academy Award performance on a daily basis, or I just might lose a few necessary body organs. And yes Rose, He’s told me that too many times. So what do you have to say to that, traitor?
Dad, you know damn well, if Father wasn’t always on you, and you know this, you’d be into all kinds of mischief.
I know this all came from dad, but what’s your point?
Dad, you need to get with the program.
Why?
Father told me to tell you something glorious is coming your way but you have to do something first.
O-Kee-Dokey Ms. Kahuna Wannabe, I’m all ears.
He said, “get your ass in gear or else”. Dad, those were His words not mine.
I mean damn, can’t a Father take a joke sometimes? Much bullshit He put me through and you already know, it’s a lot, He should cut a son some slack every now and then.
Dad.
Speak freak!
Father said, and I quote:
The Benevolent One who resides upstairs, loves everyone exactly the same,
All are appointed to play His, “What’s my name game?”
Those who get tired or don’t want to play anymore,
Will quite possibly, find themselves in multiple pieces on the floor.
Well, we both know dad wasn’t referring to me. Been there, done that.
Dad.
Freak, speak!
Father was specifically referring to you, and only you this time.
For someone who’s everyone’s father and supposed to be perfect, He’s surely in a foul mood today. I’m thinking of that lovely song, which comes to mind now: “Christmas Just Aint Christmas Without The One You Love”. Sourpuss needs to quit being such a crank, especially to me and on the day of reverence to His son Jesus. Like que pasa, what in the hell got Him so riled up today?
Dad?
Hmmm, I hear it in your voice and I know it’s gonna be something I don’t like, but shoot.
Father says, He knows you’re joking so He’s not going to do what we both know He should, so calm down. Also, He informed me to pass along something that He has just for you. Ready?
Hmmm, my mouth is beginning to salivate with anticipation. My arms are open wide.
Father said, “Ask not what your Father can do for you, but, if you don’t get your ass in gear effective “IMMEDIATELY”, (capitalization and quotation marks included at our Father’s direction for effect) Love Hurts is something you’re going to feel for the rest of eternity, at least until you arrive back home.
I mean damn, what in the hell got Him so riled up today? He’s out traveling to visit All His Children, bypassing me, for the 2nd year in a row, and not filling a simple bucket list.
He said, look in the mirror.
Come on, I know there’s…
Dad, let’s not go there. You’re at the the top of His list solely because “you’re playing games” and not putting forth the effort you need to. STOP PLAYING GAMES!
Tell Big Head Kahuna, Sourpuss, Mr-Know-It-All, Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah and every other name I gave Him, because I gave him all them names I said, 10-4 good buddy.
That all you have to say dad?
Yes…for now!
That’s it?
Rose, you know damn well, throughout the night I’ve been contemplating, regulating and formulating all types of good shit for The Grand Poobah, so He can be proud of His Only Begotten Knucklehead Son, and cut a brother some slack. This breathing down my neck all the time is becoming extremely annoying.
Excuse me?
DAD, “I WAS JUST PLAY-N”.
That’s better. Father says, you’re beginning to play the game quite efficiently and He may (key word “MAY”) allow you to keep all your body parts.
Tell our heavenly Father, “Mucho Gracias Padre”.
So dad, I have a surprise for you.
Is it bigger than a bread box?
No.
Is it a bag of cash from my bucket list?
No, it’s better.
Rose.
Yes dad?
You’re in heaven, so everyday is perfect. I’m on earth, in the human form. Occasionally we require imperfect things to make us more efficient, so give me a break. I don’t ask for much. Okay being God for a day, might be asking a teeny-tiny bit more than I should, but so what. Big Head Kahuna can do anything, even that if He really wanted to, and apparently He doesn’t, so the hell with it. Give me my surprise.
Ta-Da!
Who the hell are these two gremlins?
These are your grandchildren. Alice and Alberto. They’re twins.
All this time and you just now telling me, I’ve been a granddaddy all these years?
Dad.
Make it good.
I just had these bundles of joy today.
Wait a minute…
My Father can do anything. Top that.
So Big Head Kahuna can breathe life into dust and make a man, pull a rib out that man and make a woman (Eve, aka troublemaker), impregnate a Virgin Mary who conceives Jesus, our Lord and Savior. Now, He’s pulled off the ultimate, and has done what He does best, “creating miracles”. He’s allowed you, my daughter who’s in heaven to give birth to not one, but two infants in heaven. To be clear, He did that, correct?
This very morning, Crocodile Grandad-E!
So, I know damn well, before this day is over with my bag full of cash is going to miraculously appear on my desktop, tabletop or on my chest when I wake up from my nap later today.
You heard that didn’t you?
Yeah, but I never hold my breath with dad and He knows it.
So what do you think of your grand-kids?
They’re alright, but don’t ever ask me to babysit. That’s not my forte.
I’ll pay you.
A thousand dollars per kid, per visit.
$275.
$666 total per visit.
Deal.
So Rose, how old are they, because they look pretty big for newborns?
Six months.
My arithmetic is pretty good, and doing the math with the age accelerating like it is, they should be, by tonight…
Six months.
Well, you can count better than me, but there’s no way at this rate them little munchkins gonna still be six months old later today and definitely not tomorrow.
Dad.
Yes, Mommy Dearest?
Once again, we’re talking about my Father in heaven who “CAN DO ANYTHING”.
Okay whatever. Let’s go see what those little rascals are up to. They’re way too quiet.
So dad, how do you like it?
Hmmm, these little buggers have some talent. I wasn’t planning on painting the walls a rainbow of colors, but, their technique…
Is da Vinci inspiring?
Yes, Leonardo would be proud. And that picture on ceiling is intriguing. That man floating in the water looks familiar.
That’s you.
Dad trying to tell me something?
He just wants you to be reminded on a daily basis, that Love Hurts and sometimes can be fatal. He said don’t remove or change the decorations or else and we both know, “He’s serious”.
Yes, He is definitely “The Sourpuss” today. So do these ageless wonders ever get older?
No.
Figures. So dad, of course knew you were gonna bribe me to watching these offspring and I of course, out of the kindness of my heart, money does play a small part in it, would readily agree, didn’t He?
Yes.
Why?
He said, and I quote: “ I really don’t want to have to hurt my son too bad, but I will, if I have to. So, I need to keep him busy “ALL THE TIME”, because he’s getting to become my number one problem child.”
Rose.
Yes dad?
No bullshit, dad really say all that or are you ad-libbing like you normally do?
Dad.
Speak traitor.
Dad, one: Father said every single word, two: I never ad-lib concerning Father. NEVER. And three: I’m not a traitor, Father has given me strict orders to watch you “ALL THE TIME” and to always keep you busy, at least as much as possible, since I’m your daughter and you going to do what you want regardless what Father does to you. Why’s that dad?
Rose, you know damn well, whether I follow His orders to the letter or not, The Big Kahuna gonna trip me up all the time and constantly changing the script on me, so que pasa? He’s going to always trip me up.
The three of us already know why, but, humor us and tell the world the real reason.
Well world, you all better watch me: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, because once upon a time, I was Satan’s Number One Disciple. To this day, no one has come remotely close to attaining the length of time I had at that spot. “NO ONE”. Once upon a time I was My Father’s Number One Disciple, Head Preacher, Numero Uno. I decided I wanted a new scenery and went to Ole Diablo. Although I had fun (and it was fun) I didn’t learn of my fatal error until much too late. That was then and this is now. My Father decided, by the way my number is 6001 (Six-Zero-Zero-One) and I’m actually supposed to be at the end of the line. Everyone was bumped up, one number because of me. Dear ole dad, decided He wanted me to be at the front of the line and take the lead. He knows I’m the most experienced of my 6000 brothers. Dad taught me and I taught my brothers. My Father who art in heaven and taught me how to count to seven knows when the time comes (and it is coming soon planet earth) we, my dad and I are about to kick some ass. That’s right planet earth. My dad is going to pave a path for me, throughout the planet and I’m going to follow “His Lead”. “So be a damn good idea not to get in my way, stand in my way or obstruct my way.”
“THIS IS NOT A JOKE”.
I work for, answer to, and report to My Father and only My Father. Until the time He calls me home, where I belong (earth is my temporary abode) be a good idea not to cause me any undue discomfort. What comes around, will in fact come back right to anyone who decides to come after me or mine.
Wait and see.
Dad, that was a wonderful speech and it put a lump in my throat.
Well, I don’t know why you’re so choked up. Dad got me on another one of His “suicide missions” like He can’t find no one else. Telling me I’m expendable like I don’t already know that. Last time I checked and correct me, if I’m wrong: everyone, past, present and future is expendable? This according to Our Father who art in heaven.
Yes dad, you are correctomundo.
O-Kee-Dokey Smokey. I guess you heard that planet earth, so don’t be acting crazy when we (you and I) come face-to-face. No one and I mean, “NO ONE” is any better or worse than me, so don’t be talking shit about me unless you’re prepared for the ultimate endeavor. You’re smart peeps, you put 2 and 2 together and see what you come up with. Also remember, “We’re A Global Organization”. 6001 strong, covering every continent on the planet. I have 2 of my brothers in every state of the U.S. Taking me out is not an issue. Stay out of my way and there will be no problems, get in my way and you’ll be the one with the problem. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
You finished dad?
Yeah, Big Head Kahuna always setting me up with this bullshit, like He can’t find someone else.
Dad.
Yes, Daughter Dearest?
We all know, you need to be watched all the time.
What’s your point?
You really miss me don’t you?
Yes, but since you have 2 Mini-Me’s running around, I guess I’ll think of you when you drop them off to grand pappa. Another thing, I’m only gonna watch them for a maximum of 24 hours at time. Perfect babies my ass, look at all this paint they got all over my crib. Alice is Little Georgia O’Keeffe and Alberto is Leonardo da Vinci.
We have a little time. Father has a triple feature tonite, “Before, During and After” It’s all about you, and Father made the popcorn. All of heaven will be watching. You always get “rave reviews”. I'm going to hook you up with an “apartment makeover”. The kids can paint some pictures in the bathroom, flowers would be nice. The kitchen, also flowers and this living room…
And, you can take your children back home. I need my rest, gotta do some painting later this evening.
Okay dad. Kids, go give granddad a big hug.
That’s enough. Them little baby wings look cool, and they just a flapping away. See you all later.
Bye dad.
Bye Rose, Alice and Alberto!
Sometime soon, me and my dad will come out to play,
Today’s Christmas and you all have time to pray.
Remember the one who sacrificed it all in paying the ultimate price,
His name is Jesus and for us all, he gave his life.
My Father is about to raise up His mighty staff, yes, most call Him God,
I call Him dad, I’m also His one and only Lightning Rod.
Alvin Mann