Grand daddies: The Worst Baby Sitters

Morning Crocodile dad-E.

Well, if it isn’t Mommy Dearest and her two Mini-Mes. And what are we up to today, besides coming down to annoy me?

Dad, you really shouldn’t be like that.

Actually, this is exactly how I should be. Remember, the truth shall set you free.

Dad, you know Father can hear every word you say.

Well, my dear. “News flash”. Big Head Kahuna, not only can hear ever word, but thought, knows my feelings and more about me, than I know about me. He also knows, what I’m gonna do, 3 years from now. That is, if I’m still around, while he’s got me going on all these “suicide missions”. And, I’m not gonna be keeping this shit in. Besides, my psychiatrist says, I need to express “my inner feelings” and not hold them in. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Dad, you know damn well your psychiatrist, Father, didn’t tell you that. So, what exactly did he tell you?

He told me to tell the truth and what I told you, was the truth, the whole truth, so help me Big Head Kahuna.

(Silence)

So Miss Kahuna Wannabe, why you so quiet?

I’m trying to figure out why Father let’s you get away with so much. I understand sometimes, but, most people He would have put in I.C.U. at least a couple thousand times. I’ve asked Him numerous times and He always tells me the same thing. Guess what that is?

He said, Mini-Me was created to keep me company, “FOREVER”. And his primary job besides, doing exactly what I say, when I say, and how I say, to the letter, is making me laugh. He’s my Lil Ole Comedian and every time I look at him, he cracks me up. And I know every time I tell him to do something, he’ll do just the opposite. When he decides he will follow my instructions, he’s always going to do it “his way”.

Yep, those were His exact words. So what’s your secret dad?

There is no secret. I’ve found out a long time ago with The Grand Poobah, He’s gonna do to me what He wants, regardless whether or not I follow His “perfect rules”. And His rules are perfect. I mean damn, who the hell besides Jesus, gonna be walking a straight line 24 hours a day, every damn day, for long as they live?

I see your point.

Well, Lil Grasshopper, you wanna hang with the “big dawg”, you better make damn sure you always see the point. “Gotta make sure you don’t get stuck.”

Okay, dad whatever you say. I need you to watch Alice and Alberto, Father has an assignment for me and the kids wanted to come visit you. See you…

Wait a minute, where’s my…

Cash? Rite there on the table, $666, in fresh bills.

Not so fast, let me check this shit out. Make certain you’re not trying to pass on no funny money to me.

Dad, you don’t have to be like that, I’m you’re daughter.

Which is why, I need to be exactly like that. Everyone knows, I’m full of shit. Big Head Kahuna knows it. And, you’re always telling me, you’re a chip off the old block. Well, Lil Chipper, I need to authenticate these greenbacks.

Okay, go ahead.

Hmmmmm!

Dad, you really going to use a loupe? That’s overkill.

Actually, I need to keep on my toes. This a cold world we live in, can never be too careful. Okay, it looks good. Actually, better than good, almost perfect. Where you get it from?

Father printed those for me, because he knew what you were gonna do. I didn’t believe it. So dad, why’d you do it, really?

Lil Grasshopper, I’m in the flesh and I’m imperfect. No one is perfect but that Big Head Guy upstairs, so I gotta stay sharp. Cool?

Okay dad, but you really need to calm down.

Daughter Dearest, I’m calm, cool and collective. Just call me 3C.

Okay dad, see you in 24 hours.

Rose, take a look at that clock. It’s on a timer and I got it specifically for you, because I knew, you was gonna pop yo azz up with these gremlins one day. So time starts now. And don’t be late. You gonna tell your rug rats good-bye, or just gonna bounce?

I just told them and they said, bye mom. Telepathy.

Well, don’t let that internal clock of yours stop. Because 24 hours is 24 hours and not a second longer.

O-Kee-Dokey. Later dad.

24 hours Rose.

(24 hours later)

So dad, how you like your first grand dad-E baby sitting duties?

It was no probs.

So how the kids doing?

Okay, I guess.

What do you mean, you guess?

After you left, I locked the door to the art gallery, so they could have all the fun they wanted to. I have canvas, paint brushes and paint galore.

So dad, you didn’t check on them?

Not once.

Why?

They’re perfect babies.

Open the door dad.

Hmmm, see look at the mess they’ve made. Got paint all over my carpet. So I guess you need to use your super powers and “Sha-zam” it back to normal.

Guess what assignment Father had me on?

Don’t know. Don’t care.

We were watching you, the entire time.

Good, I hope you both learned something.

Father told me you were going to lock that door, go out leaving my kids “Home Alone”, come back 3 hours later and still not checking on them. Why?

They’re perfect babies.

You know if you weren’t my father I wouldn’t have anything to do with you.

Bullshit. I’m just a barrel of laughs.

Yes, you are dad. Father was laughing the whole time. But, He’s going to be having some surprises for you, in the very near future.

Hmm, do I get a hint?

He says, you don’t have to marry the woman He has picked out for you. So, who you gonna pick?

The one He chose for me.

Why, Father’s giving you an out. This is what you said, you’ve always wanted. Here it is.

Yeah rite. Dad pull this, “All The Time”. He tells me it’s His way, when I say I don’t want it, He gives me the opportunity to do it my way. Maybe not rite then, but sometime down the line, shit becomes discombobulated and all hell breaks loose. So although, dad claims He’s giving me “an out”, this is actually a test. You know, “Father Knows Best”. And I’m not falling for it.

Meaning what exactly, dad?

“I smell something and it sure as hell aint me”.

So, you really think Father’s testing you?

Does shit stink?

(Silence)

So, Lil Boo Peep, what it is, why you so quiet?

Dad, you need to be cool, because Father’s on the warpath.

And, when the hell, isn’t Mr. Perfect on the warpath? Got me typing all this shit, and for what? Claims He need to keep me out of trouble and walking a straight line. All this bullshit going on around the world, and He gotta be on my azz all the time? I know damn well, I’m not the number one problem child on the planet.

You heard that, didn’t you?

I never bet with dad, gonna keep my money.

So dad, you really have come around and going to walk a straight line from now on?

Rose, let’s not get carried away here. Big Head Kahuna been pulling this shit with me, since before time. In this one instance, I’m gonna “bite the bullet” and keep moving on, because I smell something, and dad, is smack in the middle of it.

Think so?

Rose, you know damn well, The Benevolent One, got some shit for me.

Guess what dad?

Hit me.

Father has some good news for you, and some better news for you.

No shit?

Father said, “PSYCHE”.

Rose…

Dad, Father was just joking. He’s got some pretty good things ahead for you. Sooner than you think.

Hmmm, I been working with this dude for too long and there’s no such thing as a “free anything”. There’s always a price with dad, so what does He want?

He said, and I quote:

I am God,

Mini-Me is my lightning rod.

That’s it?

Yep, that’s it.

Hmmm, so that means something. The less words dad uses, the deeper the meaning.

He says, He only does that with you.

Yeah, I know.

And, why’s that dad?

You both already know, so why bother?

Tell the world, Father’s orders!

No shit?

You heard that didn’t you?

Yeah, but dad don’t normally use words like that. He must’ve woke up on the wrong side of the clouds (again!).

Tell the world why dad, daylight burning.

Well world, my dad knows I’m full of shit, but He allows me a lot of rope, because I keep Mr. Perfect laughing “ALL THE TIME”. As long as I do my jobs, because I have more than one. I have to do what He says, when He says it, and how He says it, “to the letter”. Quite often, I don’t, but since I’m such a good comedian, actor and all-around handyman, He cuts me a lot of slack. So my dad, has a few missions lined up for me that’s going to take me across the planet. He’s gonna blaze a trail for me to follow. My faithful and ever-present daughter, Rose will be covering my flank and be on the lookout for the many “bushwhackers” that we’re sure to encounter. So world get ready and remember…

“You’re behind whatever it is, He’s got planned for me to do”.

Ready to bounce dad. Come on kids, give granddad a hug,

Aaahhhh! Rose, what you be feeding these young-ins? Seem they get stronger and stronger every time I see them.

That’s love dad, they love their granddad.

Hmmm, O-Kee-Dokey. I can roll with that.

Bye dad.

Bye Rose, Alice and Alberto.

Alvin Mann